Her eyes fluttered open and she woke with a start. Of all the things to be thought about this morning, her brain somehow chose the one she’d like to forget. His voice, the tremble when he said what he needed to say last night. How sorry he was about it. How she’d said that it was alright. How blank everything felt when he told her. How he left without saying it was just a joke like he’d usually say. How she couldn’t even quite figure out how she felt about it. Angry? Very much. Disappointed? Even more. Hurt? Well, was she?
She got changed, had some breakfast, yet her mind was spinning. The entire amount of her brain cells were trying to untangle the mess inside her head. She kept playing it back, she kept playing the apology back. She kept going back to the moment she said she’d forgive her. And all at once, she wished she’d taken it back. She wished she’d never said that it was alright. She wished that she’d confronted him and say “you’re damn right to be sorry” instead of saying it was fine.
Getting by was essential and thus she did her job, she impressed people, she signed deals for the people she worked for. Yet there seems to be an odd pang in her stomach the entire day. As if there’s a knot there, the same knot she felt tightening up whenever she’s upset about something. But I’d forgiven him, she thought. I’m not upset.
But truth is, forgiveness is easier said than done. It’s easy enough to say “it’s alright” just to make things right, just so you won’t lose the person whom you’ve granted forgiveness for. But to mean it, that’s a different thing. Because after saying “it’s alright”, there would come a time when you play the entire thing back in your head and all you want to do is take back your spoken forgiveness and just say “you really should be sorry”. It takes a whole lot of strength to actually mean it.
And so comes the relation of forgiveness and love. We’d say “it’s alright” just because we don’t want to lose something so familiar to us. We do not want to lose the love someone has given us, so we let them back in. But what is love if you’re lying point blank at their faces just so you could still have them in your life?
Can you forgive and love them just like back then when you can’t even look at them the same way again? Can you forgive and love them again if every time you’re with them, you’d only be reminded of their crime? I doubt that.
Forgiveness must come first before love. But once you’ve decided to forgive them, can you forget about that crime to allow yourself to love them again? Can you trust them again? And do you find yourself looking over your shoulder at the past just to see if it’s worth it?
And so she wished that she’d meet him again. She wished that she’d see him one day and she would dare ask him : And you, yes you. You tell me, you’re the one who has the answer to my question. Are you worth my forgiveness this time around?